Have you ever met someone you just didn't like? It's as if everything about them repelled you? Maybe there is someone in your life now or in your past that you have strong feelings of hate towards. Maybe you are unsure why you have such strong feelings towards them.
See if you can narrow down your feelings to one single trait about them. What would that be. " I hate the way they __________________."
Now ask yourself, Have I ever exhibited that trait in the past? Maybe in childhood, or as a teenager, or now as an adult?
Those we hate in our People Room can help us come to a greater love and acceptance of ourselves which is what this experience is all about.
Meaning, if we stop to see who this person is reminding us of in our basement or our past room, it's usually ourselves. Some part of ourselves that we felt was unloved or unaccepted by others, we also began to hate and reject as a part of our true nature.
We began to hate this part of us so much that we began to deny it's existence. Until, someone shows up in our People room with that same behavior. This really angers us and set us off to push this person out of our lives. We can't even stand the site of them. It is as if they are holding up a mirror to a part of us that we hated and buried in the past and refuse to look at. Now they bring it up in front of us as if to say.. I'm not going anywhere until you learn to love and accept this about yourself again. We find loving the good parts quite easy, but we have to also love the parts that we consider "bad". I'm not saying that we can't change those things or improve ourselves, but I am saying we can't hate and deny it's existence or that it too is a part of our nature.. and that is ok. It's called being a human.
What do you need to learn to love and accept about yourself?
I had someone in my life (my people room) that I couldn't even stand to think about. The thought of them brought up such a strong emotional reaction of anger and hatred. I also logically couldn't really understand why. They had done nothing to me whatsoever. I had to narrow it down and find the trait.
The trait I found was that they allowed themselves to be mistreated and didn't stand up for themselves. I absolutely hated that. I hated that about them.. and when I thought about it more deeply, I realized I also hated that about me. I had to come to terms and forgive myself for this past behavior and love my weakness just as much as I love my strength. I had to release and express the anger I had towards myself for tolerating mistreatment, for not standing up for myself, for being a coward. I had to love and embrace the cowardly part of me. I had to love all parts to come to complete love and acceptance of myself.
Once you come to complete love and acceptance of yourself- all parts- your People Room becomes a much more pleasant, relaxed, and enjoyable experience.
People can only "get to you" when there is an opening. That opening is a hatred of yourself.
Oh Pouty mind of mine
Let me tell you what kind of mind can be on one the most miserable to live with and deal with.. a pouty mind.
I observed my own pouty mind over the past 48 hours. Even though I was able to stay aware and separated from it- which is step one in the Tidy Mind Process- I was still feeling the discomfort of my miserable little mind in my emotional body (which is expected). I knew I needed to have a talk with it. Basically, what it came down to was my mind was not getting all of it's conditions met. It was then becoming angry and looking for someone to blame, punish, and manipulate.
Some of our minds don't know how to handle or cope with not having everything the way it thinks it should be. It has wants and desires and has never learned to cope with not having every condition always the way it thinks it should be. So it pouts. Feels sorry for itself. Becomes angry. Blames situations and other people. However the real problem, is only within itself. You are suffering because this type of mind can't handle not getting what it wants when and how it wants it.
Let's Help It Cope
This type of mind sulks, is miserable, and makes everyone around it miserable in the process. If it has picked a target to blame, it will begin it's punishing and acting cold and aloof. It does this passive aggressive action to get the attention of the one it wants to do something to make it feel better. Yep, it's childish. However, this behavior probably worked in the past, so why fix it if it still works?
To help it cope, it must first admit that this behavior is childish. It must also see that it is impossible for conditions to always be perfect or how it wants them to be. It must learn to endure discomfort without resorting to it's old tricks of manipulation to get someone else to help it feel better. Remember, that is your job.
Here is something you can try the next time pouty mind shows up.
Redirect Your Mental Energy
I have personally wasted so much of my own mental energy dwelling, suffering, story making, entertaining suspicion and assumptions, jumping to conclusions, being afraid of things, torturing myself over past mistakes, etc....The amount of time and mental energy over my lifetime that my mind has spend in these behaviors is truly overwhelming.
Imagine, had I not wasted all of that time thinking on things that either weren't even true or things that couldn't even be changed no matter how much I wanted them too... If I could have redirected and harnessed that energy in a positive and productive direction what I could have created!!!
We were given these minds with the intent of using their energy, their brilliance, their genius to do amazing things for humanity and create enjoyable lives. However, our minds became dysfunctional some where along the way. Now they create problems, drama, pain, suffering, and despair.
How do we change this?
We must all become mature, responsible caretakers of our minds. Think of the inner child part of your mind as an energy. An energy we can use to create or to destroy. It can do both. Now think of the inner parent part of you mind as the one in charge of directing this energy. If you have learned parenting techniques of punishing, shaming, guilting, and manipulating as ways to control this inner child energy, you are creating dysfunction and this energy will then be used to destroy.. yourself.. and others. If you as the caretaker are constantly tormenting this inner child with painful, embarrassing memories of the past, this is a misuse and an abuse of this energy.
A responsible, mature caretaker, helps the child part of the mind get it's needs met, helps it stay relaxed, and keeps it focused on creating healthy and exciting things. It helps it stay healthy and focused on using it's energy on things it can change, improve, and enjoy.
A sloppy caretaker neglects the needs of the mind, expects others to meet those needs of it's mind, has no idea how to help the mind relax, and to make matters worse, provokes this part of the mind by punishing it and keeping it stirred up emotionally over past experiences that it can't possibly change.
This usually happens when you lay down to sleep at night. Your caretaker part of your mind will dig into the deepest, darkest, scariest, most painful memories it can find and proceed to punish and torment you with them. This is the equivalent of a parent going into a 5 year olds room at night and relentlessly verbally abusing that child with name calling and shaming and putting fear into it by showing it the scariest images and most frightening stories it can think of.
If any of this sounds familiar, you can learn to be a mature and responsible parent or caretaker of your mind by taking the Learn to Tidy and Relax Your Mind Course.
Little Goal #2
I blew it! I just ate enough calories for a whole week in that one meal!!! I'm out of control!
Don't wait till Monday to get back on track. Start right now.
So you ate.. a lot. You may still be feeling full and bloated from all of the stuff you just ate that you know you shouldn't eat but you ate it anyway.
Take a deep breath and let's get back on track by regaining a sense of control..self-control.
Here Is How.
THE HUNGER WAVE CHALLENGE
Why does this work.
You are gaining a "self-control" momentum. When we feel out of control with food or anything else, anything goes. We eat anything. Do anything. We might feel bad about it but not bad enough to change it. Our go to phrase is "f*ck it" I'm off track anyway. I blew it weeks ago. I'm already overweight. Might as well.
This mentality comes from a strong momentum of being out of control. No one is driving the bus. No one is at home and in charge here.
When you take a small step and focus on just the period of time between now and the next time your body feels hungry, it's doable and kind of fun. Then every time you say "No.. I think I'm going to wait to see if I can feel or sense that hunger feeling because I want to see how long it takes my body to digest this meal I just ate", you feel in control. Then when you drink your glass of water after wave #1, you feel even more in control. Then wave #2 comes and you eat the meal you planned for.. meaning you put time and energy into planning and actually thinking about what was going in to your body, you build even more energy onto that in control feeling.
Then you plan your next meal..and on and on and on. The feeling of control builds and now you have a positive momentum. Someone is in charge and that someone is you. It feels amazing!!!!!
It really is that simple. You really can do this. Try it. Start right now. Comment and let me know how it goes.
IT'S TIME WE TALKED.
Hey, it's me!!..Angie Johnsey. You may have seen me with Valerie Bertinelli on the Today Show being called the "mind coach". I love helping people like you find relief from all of the "crazy making" that our minds can get in to..Did you hear about the Tidy Mind Map? Yep, I'm kind of the personal organizer for your mind. I'm glad you are here.. I have so much to share with you. Pull up a chair, let me help you unwind your mind, and let's hang out.
we need to talk.