We took a bit of an inventory of our People Room during our Friday Lunchtime Live.

I'm not sure about everyone else, but I realized just how many areas in my room I was creating walls and opening myself up to all kinds of problems and dramas.

How was I doing that exactly? With the quality of my thoughts.

Think negative, low quality thoughts about those people or situations in your People Room and you allow in some pretty low quality behaviors from yourself and others.

In our session, we learned how to clean this up and how by sending out higher quality thoughts, loving thoughts, thoughts of blessings towards others, that love would set an automatic boundary and only allow in high quality behaviors and treatment from others.

We also learned that before we get all the walls down and change the vibe of the people room, it may be necessary for us to distance ourselves from some people and their not so pleasant behaviors that are hanging out in our space. Then we let love decide if they get to stay or if they will need to move along..

Join me for a pre recorded Friday Lunchtime Session this Friday.. Christmas Day!! We will be making sure our God Room is feeling more and more like a place of peace, safety, relief, and comfort.
​
Sending your mind some love,
Angie
​

I didn't realize until our last live session this past Friday, just how many walls I have had up over my lifetime. After I realized how and why we build those walls, I was able to see it clearly. Once you can see and understand what "walls" you off from connection and feeling and giving love to others, you can then start to tear those walls down once and for all. This allows love to flow both from you and to you.

In our session, I discussed 4 ingredients or bricks that can build those walls of distance and separation.
(our focus in this session is the resentment brick)
Our bricks consist of:

1. Fear: you might do something to me that will hurt me emotionally, mentally, or physically. I don't trust you not to hurt me. I don't feel safe with you. You might be critical, judge, disapprove, reject, or abandon me. Other people in my past hurt me, so you probably will too.
2. Shame: low self worth or self hatred- because of what I did to you in the past, or because of the kind of person that I am, I don't deserve anything, much less your love. I am not worthy of love. I haven't been good enough to earn any love.
3. Resentments/Hate: I am still so angry or really bothered by something that you did, so I am not letting you in. I have not forgiven you. I am not finished hating you. The argument is still not finished or resolved in my mind. I didn't get the resolution that I wanted or needed.
4. Personal Differences: I don't agree with what you did or what you think or what you believe, therefore we can't be close. I think you have to agree with me and hold the same fundamental beliefs as me before I can or will share love with you.

As I mention in the video, there may be more bricks but these are the ones that I have identified for now and I feel it covers most areas of things that create separation in relationships.

In our session, I give you the 3 step process for beginning to bring these walls down and yes, you guessed it, it all starts with self love. Being able to reconnect with your own inner child and love it completely is the core of this work.

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​It is easy to think or feel that anxiety is just something that is happening to you and you are merely a victim.
There are some circumstances where this is true. When you are having anxiety, but know you have been taking excellent care of your mind, then yes, the anxiety is coming from a deeper place within you.

Possibly some past experience of unresolved trauma or stored emotional energy. This energy surfaces at times that do not make logical sense to you. Meaning, there seems to be no apparent stress or reason for it to surface at that moment. There is no apparent trigger. This is a past trauma or post traumatic stress.

However, most of the anxiety that society is experiencing now is due to poor inner parenting or poor mental health care. This is current stress, meaning stressful thoughts that are being allowed into your mental space right now. We are watching other minds creating stress through judgements, perceptions, and thoughts of the future and then choosing to join them. Other minds are freaking out. We spend most of the day watching these other minds freak out..we then freak out too.

You must take responsibility for your mind care. You have a choice. Care for your mind. Know it's limits. Know what it can handle and what it can't.

The child or mind is the anxious one.
Separate out from the anxiety. Do this by realizing your are not your mind. You are not the part that is anxious. Your mind or your inner child is anxious. Yes, both of you feel the anxiety or excess energy running through your body, but it's being stimulated by the mind. You , who you are, is the forever calm presence. Embody the calm presence of the adult nurturing caretaker, and take charge of this situation. Talk to the child. Ask it what is wrong. Notice what it has been thinking about and how often it has been thinking about that topic. Then begin taking better care of this part of you.

If anxiety is surfacing in the form or panic attacks for no apparent reason, allow a professional to help you release that stored energy.

Understand that anxiety is simply excess energy full of the adrenaline hormone that makes you feel jittery, clammy, short of breathe, as well as other symptoms that can occur. It starts from perceived fear in the mind and then the body gets involved as it thinks it is in danger. It is not pleasant of course but don't let the mind make a huge deal of it. Don't let the mind build even more fear or anxiety over feeling fear and anxiety. Let your mind know, that when you feel symptoms of anxiety, your body is just doing it's job and letting you as the caretaker know, that you might want to check in on and take care of your mind.

Watch what you are feeding it.
Know what scares your mind or inner child and what comforts it and then chose to feed it comfort instead of fear. Allowing it to watch other minds argue, attack one another, hurt one another physically or verbally is feeding it fear. Allowing it to listen to others minds talk about the uncertainty of the future and speculate on what could or might happen is feeding it fear. Chose wisely what you allow your mind to watch and listen to.

Monitor and redirect as needed. (This is parenting.)
It is important to listen to the thought or content topic your mind is entertaining within your inner dialogue. What is it focusing on? How much space does that topic take up in your mind? How often do you think about it? How is it making your mind feel emotionally by allowing it to think about it? Just as you would not allow your child to talk endlessly about some topic that clearly upsets it, you also should not allow this of your own mind. Redirect it. It's ok to say to your mind, to yourself, "that's enough now. That thought is no good for you".
Wallowing in the pain and fear of this is not helping or making things better. It's time to move to a better thought. Reach for a topic that feels better. You can let it know that you understand it is afraid. You also realize it is afraid not to think about it constantly because it thinks by thinking about it constantly that it will finally come to some solution. Help it understand that solutions can only come when it relaxes and steps out of the fear that it is in around the topic.
Take it for a walk outside. Point out other things to focus on or think about. Just as you would a crying child. That is one of the first things I always did with my kids (learned from my mom I'm sure) was if the child was beside themselves to take them outside in the fresh air and point out the trees, and butterflies, and anything and everything to distract their minds from the thing causing the pain. You must do this for your own inner child which is your mind
.
You can do this.
Yes, getting professional help can be extremely helpful. However, the caretaker job after you leave that session belongs to you. No one is going to follow you around 24/7 and take care of your mind or inner child for you. You can talk to a therapist and they can help you learn how to parent or care for you mind, or help you help it heal from past pain, neglect, or abuse, but the caretaker job is yours. You are the only one who hears and experiences every single thing your mind says and does from the time you wake up till the time you go to bed.

Love, care for, and protect your mind and eventually you will notice how calm it has become.
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Do you have any "poor me" thoughts? These thoughts creatively hold you in a space you don't logically want to hang out in, however, part of you enjoys the feeling of victimhood. No. This does not make sense. This is not logical. This is emotional. Remember as a child when you would receive sympathy from a parent, or teacher, or anyone at all? How did it feel? Good? Did you feel seen? Did you feel understood? Did you feel emotionally validated? Probably yes and if you have been following or reading any of my content, you have come to learn that being seen or understood is one of the 4 primary or basic needs of our minds. (Seen, heard, wanted, safe- the four basic needs= feeling loved)

Poor me thoughts serve the purpose of getting one of those basic needs met. Is it a childish coping skill? Yes. Have you outgrown it? Yes. Are you still using it? If you have "poor me" thoughts floating around in your mind that you entertain from time to time, then yes. If you find yourself whining and complaining about life to others instead of taking positive actions to change or accept your situation, then yes. These behaviors all stem from the poor me victim mentality.

Let's say goodbye to this childhood coping skill. We know it's helping us feel seen or understood, which is one of the four ingredients of concluding we must be loved. So if we are going to get rid of this method of feeling seen or understood, we need to replace it with a more adult method.

How does an adult cope? An adult will see that it is not them that has this need, but is a need of their own inner child or their mind. When the inner child begins to have poor me thoughts, or begins to whine and complain, the adult caretaker of this mind, sees that their mind is needing a little attention and has begun acting out with these behaviors to feel seen. In the past it has reached out to others and with no adult caretaker in charge to redirect it, it went out and told it's troubles to anyone and everyone who would listen, agree, and give sympathy. Your job as the adult caretaker of your own mind, is to be the one your mind reaches out to.

Yes, have a conversation with yourself. Close your eyes. See your own mind. See how it's feeling. Ask it what is wrong. Ask it what it needs. Reassure it. Let it know it is safe. Let it know you are taking care of it. Let it know there is nothing to be afraid of. Talk to it as you would a scared child. Recognize it's fear. Calm it's fear. Recognize what it is really asking for in that moment of whining and complaining. Just like children whine when tired or overwhelmed, our minds also do this. You may need to give your mind a break. It may need a nap. Just as children become spoiled by having all of their expectations met by others if they whine and cry loud enough, you may need to teach your mind to let go of expectation on the behaviors of others. Other people get to have lives that put themselves as priority instead of always making you and your needs the priority. Your child may not understand that truth yet.

If you have found yourself in a dysfunctional friendship with a needy mind who is looking to you to be their caretaker, don't enable them. You know what they are wanting. Help them to begin to give this care to themselves by refusing to jump in and constantly soothe their fears or give sympathy or support for their negative feelings towards life or others. You may find this challenging, however, if you continue to be what they should be for themselves, it will exhaust you. You will have nothing left for them or for you. Teach by example. Step out of the way by giving no comment when they are wanting you to play the role of their caretaker. Silence speaks volumes. You don't have to leave them or shun them or be cruel. Be kind and compassionate but help them see that comforting their mind is their responsibility. 

I've been on both sides of this type of relationship. It never ends well for either person. 

Take care of your mind. Allow others space to learn to care for their minds. Leave whining and complaining to the children who are actually children. Then help those children move into adult understandings and coping skills.

Have you ever met someone you just didn't like? It's as if everything about them repelled you? Maybe there is someone in your life now or in your past that you have strong feelings of hate towards. Maybe you are unsure why you have such strong feelings towards them.

See if you can narrow down your feelings to one single trait about them. What would that be. " I hate the way they __________________."
Now ask yourself, Have I ever exhibited that trait in the past? Maybe in childhood, or as a teenager, or now as an adult?

Those we hate in our People Room can help us come to a greater love and acceptance of ourselves which is what this experience is all about.

Meaning, if we stop to see who this person is reminding us of in our basement or our past room, it's usually ourselves. Some part of ourselves that we felt was unloved or unaccepted by others, we also began to hate and reject as a part of our true nature.
We began to hate this part of us so much that we began to deny it's existence. Until, someone shows up in our People room with that same behavior. This really angers us and set us off to push this person out of our lives. We can't even stand the site of them. It is as if they are holding up a mirror to a part of us that we hated and buried in the past and refuse to look at. Now they bring it up in front of us as if to say.. I'm not going anywhere until you learn to love and accept this about yourself again. We find loving the good parts quite easy, but we have to also love the parts that we consider "bad". I'm not saying that we can't change those things or improve ourselves, but I am saying we can't hate and deny it's existence or that it too is a part of our nature.. and that is ok. It's called being a human.

What do you need to learn to love and accept about yourself? 

I had someone in my life (my people room) that I couldn't even stand to think about. The thought of them brought up such a strong emotional reaction of anger and hatred. I also logically couldn't really understand why. They had done nothing to me whatsoever. I had to narrow it down and find the trait.
​The trait I found was that they allowed themselves to be mistreated and didn't stand up for themselves. I absolutely hated that. I hated that about them.. and when I thought about it more deeply, I realized I also hated that about me. I had to come to terms and forgive myself for this past behavior and love my weakness just as much as I love my strength. I had to release and express the anger I had towards myself for tolerating mistreatment, for not standing up for myself, for being a coward. I had to love and embrace the cowardly part of me. I had to love all parts to come to complete love and acceptance of myself. 

Once you come to complete love and acceptance of yourself- all parts- your People Room becomes a much more pleasant, relaxed, and enjoyable experience.

People can only "get to you" when there is an opening. That opening is a hatred of yourself.

Let me tell you what kind of mind can be on one the most miserable to live with and deal with.. a pouty mind.

I observed my own pouty mind over the past 48 hours. Even though I was able to stay aware and separated from it- which is step one in the Tidy Mind Process- I was still feeling the discomfort of my miserable little mind in my emotional body (which is expected). I knew I needed to have a talk with it. Basically, what it came down to was my mind was not getting all of it's conditions met. It was then becoming angry and looking for someone to blame, punish, and manipulate. 

Some of our minds don't know how to handle or cope with not having everything the way it thinks it should be. It has wants and desires and has never learned to cope with not having every condition always the way it thinks it should be. So it pouts. Feels sorry for itself. Becomes angry. Blames situations and other people. However the real problem, is only within itself. You are suffering because this type of mind can't handle not getting what it wants when and how it wants it. 

Let's Help It Cope
This type of mind sulks, is miserable, and makes everyone around it miserable in the process. If it has picked a target to blame, it will begin it's punishing and acting cold and aloof. It does this passive aggressive action to get the attention of the one it wants to do something to make it feel better. Yep, it's childish. However, this behavior probably worked in the past, so why fix it if it still works?

To help it cope, it must first admit that this behavior is childish. It must also see that it is impossible for conditions to always be perfect or how it wants them to be. It must learn to endure discomfort without resorting to it's old tricks of manipulation to get someone else to help it feel better. Remember, that is your job.

Here is something you can try the next time pouty mind shows up.

1. Don't fight the discomfort you feel. Let your mind know that it doesn't have to fear the discomfort it feels from not getting or having what it wants. Be kind and patient with your mind but let it know that pouting won't fix it this time.
2. Ask it what it is wanting that it is not getting. Write it down. Now ask it to write down the reality of how things are right now. Now make a plan with your mind how it can cope with what it can't change and how it can plan to take one action step on the things it can change.
3. If your mind has picked a target to blame and punish, let that person know. You might want to have a conversation with them before this happens to let them know you are trying to help your mind overcome a poor coping mechanism. Then when old pouty shows up, let the person know it is happening and that your mind wants to be mean and cold and punishing but that you are doing your best to not do that. You might even suggest they give you some space and not engage in conversations with you until you can get your mind out of pouty/angry mode. If you are in a relationship with a safe person, they will appreciate your honesty and support you as you work with your mind.

I have personally wasted so much of my own mental energy dwelling, suffering, story making, entertaining suspicion and assumptions, jumping to conclusions, being afraid of things, torturing myself over past mistakes, etc....The amount of time and mental energy over my lifetime that my mind has spend in these behaviors is truly overwhelming.

Imagine, had I not wasted all of that time thinking on things that either weren't even true or things that couldn't even be changed no matter how much I wanted them too... If I could have redirected and harnessed that energy in a positive and productive direction what I could have created!!! 

We were given these minds with the intent of using their energy, their brilliance, their genius to do amazing things for humanity and create enjoyable lives. However, our minds became dysfunctional some where along the way. Now they create problems, drama, pain, suffering, and despair.

How do we change this?
We must all become mature, responsible caretakers of our minds. Think of the inner child part of your mind as an energy. An energy we can use to create or to destroy. It can do both. Now think of the inner parent part of you mind as the one in charge of directing this energy. If you have learned parenting techniques of punishing, shaming, guilting, and manipulating as ways to control this inner child energy, you are creating dysfunction and this energy will then be used to destroy.. yourself.. and others. If you as the caretaker are constantly tormenting this inner child with painful, embarrassing memories of the past, this is a misuse and an abuse of this energy.

A responsible, mature caretaker, helps the child part of the mind get it's needs met, helps it stay relaxed, and keeps it focused on creating healthy and exciting things. It helps it stay healthy and focused on using it's energy on things it can change, improve, and enjoy. 

A sloppy caretaker neglects the needs of the mind, expects others to meet those needs of it's mind, has no idea how to help the mind relax, and to make matters worse, provokes this part of the mind by punishing it and keeping it stirred up emotionally over past experiences that it can't possibly change.

This usually happens when you lay down to sleep at night. Your caretaker part of your mind will dig into the deepest, darkest, scariest, most painful memories it can find and proceed to punish and torment you with them. This is the equivalent of a parent going into a 5 year olds room at night and relentlessly verbally abusing that child with name calling and shaming and putting fear into it by showing it the scariest images and most frightening stories it can think of.  

If any of this sounds familiar, you can learn to be a mature and responsible parent or caretaker of your mind by taking the Learn to Tidy and Relax Your Mind Course.

I blew it! I just ate enough calories for a whole week in that one meal!!! I'm out of control!
​Don't wait till Monday to get back on track. Start right now.

So you ate.. a lot. You may still be feeling full and bloated from all of the stuff you just ate that you know you shouldn't eat but you ate it anyway.

Take a deep breath and let's get back on track by regaining a sense of control..self-control. 

Here Is How.
THE HUNGER WAVE CHALLENGE

1. Starting NOW, commit to yourself that you will not put another morsel of food across your lips UNTIL your body signals that it is ready by sending 2 waves of hunger. You can have water, but >>> nothing other than water. No gum. No hard candy. No chocolate cake. Water.
2. Wait for Wave #1 to hit. Once you feel it, or think you feel or sense it, drink one full glass of water, but no food, gum, or candy. Notice how long this takes for your body.. digestion times vary for different body types.
3. When Wave #2 hits, eat a meal around but not over 400 calories. See if you can omit carbs and refined sugars from this meal. Eat slowly. Put your fork or spoon down between bites. End your meal with a little swish of mouth wash (not chocolate flavored). Now plan out or decide what you will eat for your next Second Wave Meal.
4. Repeat. If you get back off track at any point, all you need to do is start again at number.

.Please notice:

• How long you go between meals before feeling your second wave of physical hunger
• How quiet your mind is if not woke up by carbs/or refined sugar.

Why does this work. 
You are gaining a "self-control" momentum. When we feel out of control with food or anything else, anything goes. We eat anything. Do anything. We might feel bad about it but not bad enough to change it. Our go to phrase is "f*ck it" I'm off track anyway. I blew it weeks ago. I'm already overweight. Might as well.

This mentality comes from a strong momentum of being out of control. No one is driving the bus. No one is at home and in charge here. 

When you take a small step and focus on just the period of time between now and the next time your body feels hungry, it's doable and kind of fun. Then every time you say "No.. I think I'm going to wait to see if I can feel or sense that hunger feeling because I want to see how long it takes my body to digest this meal I just ate", you feel in control. Then when you drink your glass of water after wave #1, you feel even more in control. Then wave #2 comes and you eat the meal you planned for.. meaning you put time and energy into planning and actually thinking about what was going in to your body, you build even more energy onto that in control feeling.
Then you plan your next meal..and on and on and on. The feeling of control builds and now you have a positive momentum. Someone is in charge and that someone is you. It feels amazing!!!!!
It really is that simple. You really can do this. Try it. Start right now. Comment and let me know how it goes.
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I was watching a movie on Amazon Prime last night called Brittany Runs a Marathon. Odd title I know but late at night I'm not too picky over movie choices. It was actually a good movie that addressed many of the social and emotional aspects of being overweight and trying to lose weight. So in this movie, Brittany's friend said the phrase "little goals".. and that really stuck in my mind.

So many times when we look to make a change to our bodies or our diet or our lifestyle, we 

>>> stand there looking at this big mountain and become overwhelmed and discouraged. This instantly makes us drop the idea all together.

Take your eyes off of the mountain. If you go into anything focused on the enormity of the undertaking, you immediately drain any passion or enthusiasm that you may have had to get started. You need that passion and enthusiasm. That is your fuel!
Instead, know what the big goal looks like but then zoom back out to the very next step in front of you. If you can do that, you are winning the greatest part of the mental game. If the mind is allowed to become overwhelmed, then forget about it. Your plans are doomed. Your mind won't support them. However, if you can keep your mind from focusing on anything except one doable step... bingo!!! Of course, this is more difficult than you may think. Our minds love to wander off into the future and overwhelm and frustrate themselves quite often. You will have to be a vigilant caretaker of your mind during the "get my new habits started" phase.

Little Goal #1- Start 3 New Habits.
Habit 1- Keep your minds focus zoomed in and don't allow it to even look at the mountain.
Stop and think what your first step should be and start. Do it. Don't wait until all of the circumstances are perfect and well planned. Do it. Do it after you finish reading this. Do it sloppy. Do it messy. Make mistakes. Look like an idiot. Embarrass yourself..but do it. Maybe it's touching your toes 10 times, or trying. Maybe it's standing with your arms out and twisting in place for 60 seconds. Maybe its finding that big water jug and filling it up and putting it beside you on the couch. Just do something.

Habit 2- Read something every day for 7 days about healthy food and exercise. Look at other peoples before and after pictures. Research exercises that look fun. Watch YouTube Videos about peoples weight loss journeys. This is your fuel. You need fuel to power up enough to create change. Don't skip setting up this habit. If you are reading this you already are on some device with internet access. Start googling.

Habit 3- Do one thing different this week consistently. Take one thing that you learned during habit 2's research and inspiration step and do it everyday for 7 days. If you allowed your mind to look at the mountain and talk you into skipping a day.. it's ok.. refocus. Realize your mind took it's focus off of the single step, looked at the mountain, whined "toooooo harrrrrrd", you listened to it and did nothing. You forgot to redirect your mind to today's step. Now decide it's never too late to pick that foot up and take that step. There is no expiration date on next steps. You never use up all the next step opportunities. Take it. Then take it again.. and again.. and again. 

An unsettled mind is an afraid mind.
An unsettled mind is a direct threat to your peace.
​If you fall into the problem finding category of mind habits, you know that when your mind is up in the air on a topic, it will begin to spin, obsess, search, etc.. until it gets the answer it needs. If it is depending on an "answer" in order to settle, it could take awhile and it is possible that there is no answer to be found. During that while, you will feel unrest, unsettled, confused, upset, restless and frustrated. The topic in question will soon consume all of your thoughts causing your mind to become lost inside the confusion.

So what do we do when our mind receives information that worries or upsets it and sets off the domino affect of this mental habit?

It's time to step in. You will need to step into the strong role of the caretaker and give your mind an intervention. 
You know the deep pit of despair it will take you into if you ignore it and allow it to set off on it's search for information.

Why does It do this? It Is afraid and trying to stay safe. It thinks if it can somehow figure out the future or uncover information that it does not yet know, then it will have everything that it needs to control and avert disaster.. emotional disaster that is. However, in this quest to avoid emotional disaster, it begins to create the very thing it is attempting to avoid.

Ask yourself, Is my mind doing this for emotional reasons? Is it using its detective, problem solving gifts in the emotional world. Is it trying to meet it's on need for safety? If yes, help get it out of there. How?

Stay with the facts. Set your mind back on the path within the logical world. Keep the Future Room and the People Room and the emotional world off limits to this mind. Help it redirect it's focus on things it knows to be true.. things that are certain or stable.
I personally have this type of mind. I often think I should have pursued a career as a detective or worked for the CIA or something. My mind has a super suspicious nose for emotional danger and because I didn't know how to care for it, has held me in much emotional suffering. Trying to fix the unfixable and solve the unsolvable will drive this mind insane.

It helps me to visualize two paths.
One path goes into a deep ocean. Here there are emotions, instability and unsolvable, uncontrollable constantly changing people and situations. This is incredibly overwhelming to the problem solving mind if it thinks it's supposed to fix, change, and avoid what is in the ocean. Nothing can be solved or stay solved here in the emotional ocean. Your mind will constantly stay unsettled and busy trying to fix unfixable things and control uncontrollable forces here.

The other path stays on stable dry land, where there is clarity and certainty. Here there are fixable things. Once fixed, they stay fixed. Once solved, they stay solved. This is the physical tangible world...not the emotional world.
Yes your mind will always pursue making it's creations even more efficient and constantly improve on them.. but this is healthy. Your mind will thrive in this type of environment. This environment is concrete and non emotional. This is where your mind can change and control things and use it's strength for good.

This is the only path for a problem solving mind. It must stick with the facts and keep it's energy in the physical world. This kind of mind can become very lost, very sick, and very unstable if allowed to go in the ocean for the purpose of fixing it. 

I'm not saying that if you have this type of mind, you should never have or show emotions. Emotions are normal and healthy. What I am saying is that your mind shouldn't try to avoid emotions, change, or pain by using its problem solving gifts as a form of control. No matter how smart our mind is, it can never stop, change, or control a force like the ocean, Emotions are coming. Don't run. Don't be afraid. It's just the ocean. It's normal for the tide to come in and sweep us up in it. Just lay on your back and let it float you to your next chapter, with whatever and whoever that may be. Then direct the energy of your problem solving mind on things you can create and control. 

Two Things Need to Happen to Tidy Your Mind.

ONE. Release Deep Pain.
Although your mind may tell you that this is an impossible task and you will just be broken or messed up forever because of a past experience, it is not true. Deep pain is usually only 20% of the reason your mind is creating emotional suffering. See, it's never as big and bad as your mind makes it out to be.

HOW: You can start with the Learn to Tidy and Relax Your Mind Course and also work with me One on One to work through deep pain.

TWO. Break Bad Mental Habits.
Our mind develops some destructive mental habits in efforts to get it's needs met as a child. You are also genetically predisposed to think a certain way and make certain assumptions that can result in bad habits. Bad Mental Habits make up the other 80% of the cause for your mind creating emotional suffering. This is actually good news as helping your mind step away from these habits usually only takes awareness of them and consistent redirection.

HOW: The NeverMind Blog is designed to help you find your habits and help you step away from them.. to retrain your mind to think and behave in a different way. It will also help you to understand the minds of those you are in relationship with.. and how they think very differently to you...and this is normal. Just as there are different body shapes, the minds that go with those shapes all have a unique way of thinking and perceiving the world around them. Here are the 3 Mind Habit Categories.

1. Never Satisfied- Sensors & Crusaders
2. Problem Finding- Activators & Connectors
3. Trust Issues- Guardians & Diplomats

"I wish I didn't care what others thought of me."
"I wish I could stop doubting myself."
"I wish I could stop people pleasing."
"I wish I could just be myself around anyone and everyone."
"I wish I could be free to be my authentic self."
"I wish I could just relax around others."

You don't feel safe enough to experience the above mentioned yet.
Why? You have made everyone else's thoughts and opinions of you higher than or more important than.. more valuable than your own opinion of you.
You see others as the adult or the authority. This is pointing to a the Caretaker part of your mind, not quite stepping into adulthood yet. You may also have a fear of mistakes...meaning you don't feel safe to make your own mistakes yet. You've yet to allow mistakes to become an acceptable part of life. 


You also don't trust you yet.
What does that mean?
If you look at your mind in 2 parts.. one being the inner child part, the other being the parent or caretaker part.. the inner child doesn't trust the caretaker and the caretaker doesn't trust the inner child.
The inner child is loud, direct, honest and can also have adopted many bad habits to get its needs met.
Your inner child is more than ready to be it's true self around everyone.
The caretaker is supposed to be the confident adult, but may not have grown into that yet.
This is the people pleasing part of your mind. The part that is afraid of rejection, judgement, criticism, and making mistakes. The one looking to others for the answers when it should be confident in it's own thoughts and opinions. This behavior of the caretaker angers the inner child part and it will act out.
The caretaker is embarrassed by the behaviors of the inner child part and tries to suppress it.
You can see there is a war here instead of a union. This is a dysfunctional relationship between YOU and YOU.

What's the Fix?
 1) Help your Caretaker grow up and embrace adulthood. Some of you are avoiding being responsible for yourself...because being responsible means owning mistakes.. and you are still afraid of mistakes. It's easier to just hide behind insecurity or other people.

 2)  Help the Caretaker part overcome it's fears of rejection, judgement, criticism, and mistakes. This will require looking into your past experiences..or "basement" work. 

 3)  Create a sense of calm and security within yourself by strengthening your YOU and YOU relationship.

Need step by step instructions on how to accomplish these 3 important milestones in your growth?
Pre Register for the upcoming course Grow Me Up- Helping your Mind Step into Maturity.

Are you really being mistreated or are they just not doing what your mind wants and expects.

Let’s define mistreatment. 
You are actually being mistreated if you are suffering physical, mental, or emotional abuse. 

We all know what physical abuse looks like. 
Mental and Emotional abuse can be a bit of a grey area for our minds, but let’s try to define it. 
Here are a few behaviors that you should protect your mind from. Name calling, bullying, emotional manipulation (punishing you with silence) gas lighting (trying to confuse your mind and make it question itself or think it is crazy or misreading things) attacking, blaming, shaming, guilting, etc. 

This type of behavior is their little mind trying to get its own needs met by you.. by using every trick and game it can think of.
It wants to feel a certain way, and by doing these behaviors to your mind, it get’s it’s needs met or tries to get them met while your little mind is being abused. 

You may have just read this and thought.. oh God.. I do some of these things to others. Yes, most of us have. 
Why? Because our minds are trying to get their needs met from another person and it will do whatever it takes.. even if it means hurting another mind. If you are doing these behaviors to the mind of someone you love. stop. Take sometime and work with your mind. Learn to Tidy and Relax your mind is a good place to start. If another mind is doing these things to you, protect your mind. That doesn’t always mean leave them. Sometimes all it takes to protect your mind is just staying aware of what they are doing and why they are doing it. That abusive behavior is coming from a mind in pain, in fear, in need. that they are not caring for.

No one is going to do everything your mind wants and expects.. 
but it doesn’t mean they don’t love you.. 
it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be with them. 

What it really means is that your mind is still looking to other people to get its needs met instead of looking to you. 
It may also mean that you have a mind that has a “never satisfied” habit that needs to be broken. 

If you are looking for and waiting on perfection in a relationship with another person.. 
I’m sorry to disappoint you, but the reality is.. that doesn’t exist. 

Despite what your mind tells you because of what it has seen on tv of the movies it watched as a kid, there are no perfect relationships. 

However, the closest you can come to that is the relationship between you and you.  
You are the only one who is going to love and tolerate your little needy mind enough to tell it what it wants to hear.. to give it what it wants to have to be satisfied. Just you. 

Other people can truly love us..but they have their own little needy mind that needs cared for..

No matter how much they love you, you are not the center of their world, or the most important thing in their world, and you shouldn’t want to be. It’s actually quite selfish and egoic of our little minds to think we should replace and come before the needs of their own little minds. 

You do you. They need to do them. Once you both have that straight.. then you can come together as two mentally and emotionally healthy human beings and hang out together. Neither needing and expecting something of the other.

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A problem finding mind is an exhausting mind to have if it has bad habits.
It never stops.
In it’s functional state it’s an amazing analyzer and problem solver.
In it’s dysfunctional state, it will focus on unsolvable problems, such as other people or situations that are out of its control and begin to race.
It can also become bitchy and very critical.
Let’s look at both Passive side of this mind and the Aggressive Side.

The Passive Side.
I like to use the analogy of the tidy mind house with this type of mind, so the person can visualize what their mind is doing. 
This mind feels that it can’t relax until it has the answer or the solution has been found…but when it is zoned in on something that doesn’t have and answer or solution, it becomes neurotic. Obsessive, racing, out of control, running around faster and faster around the mind house trying to “fix” it.
Then it realizes this is making it feel really bad so then it runs around even more trying to fix itself.
This is the passive side of this mind.
The worry, or trying to figure it out and fix it, causes the anxiety.. which is the result of the mind running non stop creating excessive mental energy which then is felt by the body as anxiety.
It’s too much. It is shorting itself out.
This type of mind is easily wound up. Problem, Solution.. Problem, Solution. I’m tired just thinking about it. 

The Aggressive Side
This mind habit can also take on a suspicious nature..and if it also resonates with the trust issues mind habit category.. watch out. This combination can be very destructive.
This mind is very rushed, urgent, and pushy. I will push you into decisions out of a sense of urgency or desperation, when if you could stop and look at the facts of reality, is not necessary. It only exist inside this mind. “Do it now! Don’t make anyone wait! Slop It together and just get it out there!” Hurry!!! To this mind everything feel life or death. 

Because this mind thinks so fast, it can be very critical of those who don’t.
It can also turn that criticism inward and really develop some negative self talk that destroys your confidence and trust in yourself. 
It is destructive because this mind likes to “warn” others.
If it thinks someone is “bad” or is mistreating, using, or abusing other people, it will tell the others..not because it’s trying to start trouble. It speaks up out of fear and in it’s mind it is protecting people..
However, this mind is reactive and jumps to conclusions and makes assumptions and then decides it is fact. It’s usually not fact. This type of mind rarely stops long enough to determine if something is actually a fact or can be proved. This mind can start protest and movements. This mind is passionate and fuels the passion or pain of others. 

If functional, it can be an inspiration and very motivational. It knows how to stir the emotions of others in such a way that makes them feel passionate about something too.

This mind is extremely empathic. This makes this type of mind great at sales or helping others. If they really like something.. they are so relatable and they tell everyone about what they have found. They love to share the good things they have found. They also like to share the negative things they have found. The filter and the thought process of “Hey, What kind of damage would this do if I just blab it out right now without thinking it through?", is not there. 

A thought is in there head one second and then out of their mouth the next. Everything moves really fast for this mind. In other words, you put your foot in your mouth.. a lot.

This type of mind also works for reward, usually in the form of praise and recognition. Meaning, it wants and needs a reward and instant gratification is always preferred. It likes short projects that can be admired and praised quickly.

If you have this type of mind people either really love you or really hate you. It can go either way. This mind can get you in trouble and make you say and do things that hurt yourself and others in the process. Those with this mind learn they have to “fake” nice.. because its unacceptable if they actually say what they think. They have to learn social niceties instead of it being safe to be authentically themselves. This mind knows what it likes and what it doesn’t. This mind is the first to get medicated for ADHD. Because it thinks so fast and so much, it is the first to become diagnosed with some disorder and be medicated.

This mind can get into a big complaining habit especially in its more aggressive side.

Are You Resonating?
If you are resonating with this mind, you probably fall in the health type of Activator or Connector.. meaning your are probably not very tall and have more of a lean curvy hourglass shape or a fuller curvy hourglass shape. I myself am a 5’3” Activator and I have done all of the above. Crusaders and Guardians may also resonant with a few of these habits.

This mind can be a gift to society when functional and not exhibiting bad habits. This mind can also be societies worst nightmare if exhibiting the aggressive side of these bad mind habits.

If you are living with someone with this kind of mind, please don’t point out their negative behavior in any way unless you have a death wish. They are aware of it.. trust me. They live with it going on inside of them every single day. They just don’t know how to ease the pain and if their mind is a telling assumption stories to them, they have just become lost in the story, believing everything their mind says is true.. which just adds to the pain. Please don’t medicate them because you think they should sit still more..Support them by understanding them and giving them a safe space to begin to understand themselves. 

What’s the fix?
Passive Side..
Close your eyes. See your mind running around your mind house.. frantically trying to fix something or figure something out. See yourself as the caretaker. Go to the mind and hold it. Hold it in your lap and say, you don’t have to fix this or figure this out right now. It’s ok. There is no rush. It’s ok. You may have to hold it for a few minutes before this energy starts to calm down and slow down.
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Aggressive Side..Awareness of of what your mind is doing is the first step. Realize you have the power to create or destroy. It’s a big responsibility. Begin using it wisely. Don’t hurt others with this powerful mind and don’t hurt yourself. 
Start a new habit of Pausing before speaking or acting. Then do a Fact Check and a Consequence Check. This will help break this aggressive habit. 
​If it is constantly criticizing you, or you resonate more with the aggressive side, your mind is in pain and fear. You will need to help it release and express this pain. Start with the Learn to Tidy and Relax Your Mind course today.
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First let me clarify I have nothing against gratitude.
I think it’s fabulous. Keep your gratitude journals. Go to town. Have at it.. as we say in the south.

What I do oppose is the concept that being grateful is a solution for a negative mind.
It may help retrain some of it’s negative habits, but if you don’t start at the source of the problem, this is a fix that won’t stick.

So where is the source of your negativity?
It resides in a mind who has been hurt or one that has not had it’s needs met.
A negative mind is no stranger to disappointment. This mind has lost it’s faith in other people and sometimes in life.
This mind has been let down and lied to way too many times to count.
A negative mind is a hurting mind.
You can throw all the gratitude at it you want, but it doesn’t relieve the pain.
It just makes you feel guilty for being negative when you “should” be feeling grateful. 

Sounding familiar?
Now before we go too deep into blaming others or life for our minds being negative, we have to look at the kind of mind we may have. 
You may have a mind with strong values and high expectations.
Well isn’t that how we are supposed to be?
The truth is, a strong value system and setting the bar super high on behavior is not for everyone.
It doesn’t make them wrong or less than, it just means that they have a very different mind with a different set of priorities than yours.
The higher your expectations, the greater your risk of disappointment. True?

When we don’t understand this, we can assume that others just don’t care about us.
I mean you always remember their birthdays and send them thoughtful gifts, so they should do the same, right? 
Nope. It's not happening.
Now it would be nice, but thoughtfulness and gift giving does not come as high on their priority list as it does yours. 

There are some minds who are negative because they feel they never get what they want or it’s just never enough.
Life is unfair. They develop a bit of a suffering, victim mentality.
Their mind is wanting sympathy… someone to take their side.. acknowledge the injustice.
Then a little praise about how they made it through such an experience wouldn’t hurt either, right?
This mind can also fall into the Never Satisfied category of mind habits.

Why do we have different minds?
Several factors.
One is genetics. I can guess if you are resonating with this and thinking I’ve been secretly watching you somehow, that you have an apple or pear body shape. If you also resonant with the Never Satisfied category, you could be more thin, triangle or ruler shaped.
Second factor to consider is who you watched and learned from when your mind was developing as a child.
Third factor is the emotional pain you are storing and the behaviors you developed in an attempt to ease that pain and get your needs met.

So what’s the fix.
Take a look at the 3 factors. 

1. Get to know your mind genetically. Understand we are not all the same nor do we have the same priorities, and accept that as quickly as you can.
2. Give some thought to the behavior and coping skills of your parents or those you grew up being influenced by. 
3. Learn how to release your past pains and begin meeting the emotional needs of your mind.

I have a course that will help you through this process called Learn to Tidy and Relax Your Mind.
You can try out the first 3 days free.. and if it works for you, then purchase the course for $97 and keep going until your mind no longer has any reason to be negative. 
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It's never enough.
This type of mind Is always waiting to experience contentment, but once it receives it's desired feeling, it is short lived. It will need more.
This mind is always waiting on a dream destination, a dream person, a dream situation to make it feel better.
It craves perfection, or the picture society paints of perfection.

This mind refuses to come out of the clouds and join the others in reality. It has a movie mentality.
This mind bores easily. 
This mind wants what It wants and it wants to get what It wants..
Do this for me.. Give me what I want.. Make exceptions for me.. I'm special don't you know?
It can be rather self serving and self centered. It has the engrained belief that others are supposed to meet it needs and if they don't, it will resort to game playing and manipulation. 
This mind also desires to be the center of your world. 

"When I am around, I should be the most important thing in that moment.
You should drop everything else in your life and put me first. If you love me, you would put me and what I need first always."

This mind then sets out to find that perfect person that will meet every emotional need and admire it constantly and make it the center of their world... because they are supposed to, right?

Be proud of me.
Admire me.
Desire me.
Compliment me.

The Passive Side of Never Satisfied.
Whiny and Needy. The passive side of this mind Is usually sweeter than the aggressive side, but it's draining to others...
and don't underestimate it. It can be as dangerous if not more so than the aggressive side.

It uses the sweeter side to gain sympathy to get what it wants and needs. It plays weak and may even play dumb if that will work.
It will cry, play games, scheme, manipulate, whatever it takes to get it's needs met.
It will push you away to punish you and to see if you "love it enough" to chase it.. cause that's how it works in the movies right?

Remember this mind is super intelligent because it was intended to create vaccines and stuff, but here we are.
This mind can not be satisfied.
It will never receive enough attention, praise, or admiration. It's a bottomless pit.
It is a high maintenance mind.
No human can possibly make your mind feel what it wants to feel forever, so stop looking..
Some loving souls can hang in there for a little while, but soon, they realize what they are up against and give up or run away.. This is what we call "self sabotaging".. Your mind ruins your relationships by wanting something that is not humanly possible...
and then your mind blames the other person instead of taking personal responsibility. 
What this mind mistakes as love, is nothing more than a self centered mind getting its needs met for a time by another person. Real love has nothing to do with someone meeting your every emotional need. Real love is about two people, not just one.

The Aggressive Side of Never Satisfied.
Jealous and Comparing. This happens as a defense mechanism. It is constantly on the look out for threats. Who might come between me and me getting my needs met. They might steal my admiration, my compliments. They might be prettier and get the attention that belongs to me. They might take my title of the best. Can't let that happen now can we.

When this side is activated, you might see anger, rage, outbursts. This minds needs being met is being threatened and childish behaviour may soon make an appearance. The person with this mind will do everything possible not to let the aggressive side surface, because they don't want to "look bad".

Comparing can take many shapes. It doesn't have to be relationship related. It can be success related. Your mind can turn on you and torture you over YOU not being enough. Your accomplishments, no matter how great, are never enough.. it's never satisfied. You should always be doing more! Get me more praise, more success, more money your mind says.

It's just bad habits. You are not broken.
These are nothing more than bad habits learned by a very Intelligent mind whose focus is to be made to feel how it wants to feel.
If these bad habits of whining and neediness and jealousy and comparing were to be eradicated, this mind would take the healthy focus of productivity. Those who have this type of mind are not here to suffer these bad habits, but are here to use their driven, obsessive, passionate tendencies to create amazing things that will benefit and move humanity forward.
However, these habits get in the way, and this powerful mind only sets out to create suffering and emotional pain for themselves and those around them. This mind has the ability to go the distance, to get things done, to lead. It is highly intelligent, focused, and driven.
It does not belong fumbling around in the emotional world chasing feelings. 

This type of mind usually belongs to but is not limited to Sensors & Crusaders. (Don't know your health type? Take the quiz.)
Diplomats & Activators can also fall victim to such bad habits. None of us are immune but your health type can tell you a lot about what negative habits you are prone to exhibit.

If you are interested in breaking this habit, I suggest starting with the Learn to Tidy and Relax Your Mind online course. Check out the first 3 lessons and see what you think...if it works for you.. keep going.
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The dreaded basement.
When I work with clients one on one to tidy their mind, there comes a point in every session after we have discussed what is going on in their current situations.. or their people room.. where I say.. ok, are you ready to go in the basement and find the box this is opening now? The response is usually an astounding... NO!!! not the basement.

It’s like asking a child if they are ready for you to get that splinter out of their finger. They do.. but they don’t. They want the relief from the pain but sometimes we have to push through pain to get to the relief on the other side. This is what is happening for you emotionally as you go in the basement to deal with your pain of the past.

Pain of the past… ughhh.. just mentioning that seems overwhelming and exhausting.
Yes, I know. None of us want to think about that old stuff. "I’ve already dealt with it!!!".. you say.
We would rather just ignore it, shove it in a box in the corner, deny what we feel, etc… but it’s not going anywhere until you clean it out. If you have unwanted behaviours, you have a box. If you have emotional outburst or reactivity, you have a box. If you have emotional pain, you have a box. You and your mind are the only ones who can actually release it and let it go. I can go with you or give you the tools to give you step by step instructions on how to throw it out and release it, but only your mind can actually chose to do it.


An important point to clarify.
We are not going into the basement to dig out old memories for the purpose of wallowing in the pain of that memory. No. We are going into the basement and dragging out that painful box and all of it’s memories for the sole intention of clearing it and releasing it.

There is a time and place for past room basement visits. You must be ready. You must be strong and clear in your intentions for going into those memories in the basement. You must hold yourself grounded as the role of the caretaker.

Even though the Learn to Tidy and Relax your Mind course teaches you how to go into the basement and clean out those boxes or those deeper wounds, I don’t suggest doing it alone until you are ready. You know you are ready when you are able to consistently see the voice of your mind as separate from who you are.


Why do we even bother with these boxes?
These boxes not only hold past pain, they also hold your belief systems..including the things you believed about yourself from your perceptions and experiences as a child. The boxes hold lies, and misunderstandings about you and others. These boxes directly impact and control your behaviours as an adult. Ever witnessed yourself acting childish and wondered why? The reason for this is there was a box opened in your basement. Once its opened and the pain starts to pour out, it's incredibly difficult if not impossible to control your reactions and behaviours.


How do the boxes get opened?
These boxes in the past room basement are either opened by a situation or person in your people room or intentionally opened by you for the purpose of cleaning them out and releasing them. So even though you may be avoiding going into the past room or basement until you are grounded and ready in your belief that you are not the mind, someone in your people room may unintentionally open it for you. This is why we do the work. As long as the boxes are there and full of past stuff, there is a potential for pain, emotional reactivity, and unwanted behaviours.

Take the Learn to Tidy and Relax your Mind course to get prepared for your basement clean out!

Be sure to connect with me on all those social places. I would love to hear from you and learn more about you and your mind!
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