An Inner Dialogue: Processing Worthiness
I am afraid.
What drives this fear?
Could my need for love and acceptance from others be the driving force?
Why do I believe that I am only safe if I have the approval, the acceptance, the love of others?
Safe from what?
Safe from their harsh judgement, their ridicule, their disapproving looks?
When I was a child I watched how others were treated that didn't seem to receive social acceptance. I heard my parents, my peers downgrade the value of others based on what they did or didn't do.. how good they were in sports.. what kind of grades they made in school... what they contributed to the world. Those whose actions were pleasing to these adults and peers were safe from these judges ridicule, from their negative judgement. They were loved and accepted because their actions were pleasing to the self appointed judges of the world. I decided that what was pleasing to the adult, to the judges, as good or successful becomes the bench mark for what needs to be done, achieved, and maintained for love and acceptance and therefore feeling safe in my world..
Then it began.
That's where it all started.
I began running.
Running and trying to be all that is loved and accepted by the judges so I could be safe from their judgement and ridicule.. So I could be safe from their harsh words, shaming, their disapproving looks. So I could be loved. So I could be safe.
I am trying so hard.
This one belief, this one misunderstanding that we are only safe if we have love and acceptance from others is making so many of my decisions for me. What the judges think of me matters because if they don't love and accept me, I am not safe.. If I am not somebody, if I don't matter, if I don't do something great, I won't be loved, admired, respected, accepted. I won't be safe.
So I push myself to the point of exhaustion.
I allow my inner dialogue to abuse me and push me to do things I don't even want to do.
I am pushed to the point that I don't even know who I am anymore.
I don't know what I actually like to do.
I am not free.
I am owned by the judges.
I don't know how to have fun.
I don't know how to relax.
I don't know how to love myself.
I am now anxious and afraid all of the time.
I am trying to follow the rules of my mind to obtain love and acceptance so that everything can just be ok.. but yet nothing is ok.. nothing ever seems ok or seems to stays fixed or good. This anxiety has become my faithful companion. So I try to do more things to gain more love and acceptance, but I only become more afraid instead of feeling more safe. Now I am expected to do these great things which only adds to the bar I raised for myself. Now I have to try even harder to maintain my status that is supposed to feel safe to me, but doesn't. It only feels anxious.
This isn't working.
This is all wrong.
The ideas my mind has of what will get me to safety is flawed.
I think I'll stop.
I think I'll just relax.
I think I will stop trying, stop doing for love and acceptance.
What I am doing is not working.
I don't feel safe.
All this trying seems to be making things worse.
My mind is not going to like this new plan. It is so afraid if I stop running towards being as valuable as possible that my worst fear of being a nobody will catch me. It will catch me and overtake me, and then what?
No one will love me?
No one will want me?
No one will accept me?
Everyone will judge and ridicule me?
They are already doing that anyway and I am running as fast as I can.
I am doing everything I know to do.
The truth is, the people in my life that I care about the most will probably be very happy that I feel relaxed and not stressed and anxious. The people in my life that care about me the most will probably be proud of me because I stopped running. My anxiety will calm. Everything will calm. I may even get an idea to do something I love.. not because I'm running out of fear.. but because I am relaxing into me. I realize the doing isn't the problem. It's good to do. It's good to create. The problem is doing for the wrong reason. Doing to prove my worthiness. Doing to avoid judgement. That was my misunderstanding I had as a child.
I am going to stop running now and see what happens.
I may have to do it afraid but I guess that is the definition of courage.
I have courage.
I have the courage that I need to stop running, to stop trying to earn or deserve love, acceptance, and safety.
I am going to just stop now.
I'm going to stop caring if others think I am valuable and deserving of love.
I am going to stop allowing others to be the judge of my success and worthiness of love.
No one gets to be the judge of me.
I am empowered.
I am just me.
I am still afraid but at least I have a new plan. Let's see what happens. Maybe I asked a friend to support me as I stop. I may need that. My mind may try to get me to go back to the old plan of running and I may need calm reassurance and a reminder from a friend that the old plan only brings me anxiety and not safety.
I can do this.
I am ready.
No more running.
I will be free.
I will have peace.
I gave my power to the judges.
I am taking that back... Today.
Angie Johnsey is a speaker, author and world-renowned Mind expert. A hypnotherapist and psychiatric nurse by trade, Angie assists clients all over the world to become aware of their mental and emotional patterns, bring clarity and peace to lives that were once full of stress and suffering, and choose the feelings they would like to have to transform their lives.