Desperate for love
While working with my very upset inner child, I realized that I had a belief that had shaped my intimate relationships. A belief that created a boring life of unfulfillment and craving love. A belief that made me desperate, needy, and willing to put up with any type of treatment for that brief exchange of love and attention. A belief that made me a pet, not a partner.
If this doesn't hit an emotional chord with you, you probably don't share the same inner child belief as me. However, if reading this makes a light bulb go off, allow me to enlighten you further by sharing the belief that creates this pattern. But first, I want to tell you about my childhood.
I was the last of three children and the only girl. I was adventurous, creative, and imaginative. I had lots of energy and was always busy. All I ever wanted growing up was someone to play with. What I found was people who would tolerate me for a short time and then tell me to go find something else to do.
I had one cousin who lived close by. She was older than me by about a year and didn't let me forget it. It was with her that I became a pet for the first time. I would do in a pinch. If no one better was around to play with, and she was bored and wanted to be entertained in some way, I was asked to play.
I wanted so bad for her to love me, or at least like me, and she didn't. I would always be less than in her books. I wanted to prove I could be a good friend. I tried so hard. She was mean to me but I didn't care, she was all I had. She told me I was fat, had weird thumbs, a weird smile, an ugly mole on my back that I should never let a boy see or I would never get married, my clothes didn't match, my hair was terrible, and on and on and on.
It wasn't until I was a teenager that I finally gave up hope of us being friends. She was going through a really hard time and I wrote her a letter saying how I wish we could talk and be there for each other. She never responded. It took years for me to finally see what I really was to her and what I would never be.
As I'm writing this, I'm uncovering a second belief, but I want to first share belief number one.
The people you love and who say they love you, won't have time for you.
The second belief I am now realizing is:
The people you love and who say they love you, will be superior to you, or better in some way.
Belief number three.. When the people you love have nothing better to do and want to feel loved for a minute, they will call you.
Those three beliefs created by the mind of my inner child based off of her experience of life are now creating my current relationship reality. These are the same characteristics that you see with most family pets. They love you unconditionally no matter how you treat them or how much you ignore them. They perk up at the slightest look their way. Living for the crumbs of your attention.
This has been a life changing realization for me. Knowing the core beliefs that shape my world, empowers me to change them. I don't want to "do in a pinch" ..I don't want to be less than. I don't want to be a loving presence that can be put in and out of a box at the convenience of others. I don't deserve that. My child doesn't deserve that and I will no longer allow her to be treated that way.
The people who love me have time for me.
The people who love me see me as an equal.. and I see me as an equal.
The people who love me don't use me to make themselves feel better or when it's convenient for them. They are true friends.
now that's better:)
HOW TO HEAL INSECURITY
Q. How do I deal with insecurities? They cause me to feel out of control, desperate, and needy, and end up pushing others away.
A. Find out what the child within you is afraid of, and calm her/him down. Keep him/her calm on every topic of your life. This part of you has access to the control panel of your world. When upset, it pushes buttons that create huge messes.
To deal with anything, you must know where it comes from, how it was created, and how to resolve it.
Let's look at where it comes from first.
Insecurities come from the hurt part of you we will call the child. This child which some call the ego, or pain body, is always with you, in the background. If it is not happy or calm, there will be no peace to be found in your experience and your life soon becomes one drama, one problem after the next.
How was the insecurity created.
Insecurities are lies the child believes about it's self, other people, God, or it's world. Someone in your world did or said something to the child, and it began to believe a lie. Now this lie will control your behaviors and your experience until you resolve it.
A few of the more common lies are: I'm not loved, I'm not enough, I'm not wanted, You can't trust others, The world is bad, and numerous misunderstandings and lies around God, what God is, and how God should be.
Once a lie is believed and the child sees this as unfair or unjust, a wound or a faulty program is created...an insecurity/fear.
How to resolve it.
Find the lie and replace it with the truth. That is the simple answer, but there is more to it than that. You must go talk to the child. When feeling insecure or upset, ask the child what is wrong. Don't talk from the intellectual I know how I should think and how I should feel. Talk as if a 7 year old were explaining something that happened. The child would use words such as, it was unfair, and they did this and that and then I got really hurt or mad, etc..Then tell that child, they are right. It was unfair. You are sorry they were treated in such a way, or you were sorry they were told such a thing. ( If you have never had an adult in your life speak to you in this way when you were hurting, you may find this difficult at first. Just keep trying. Sometimes adults use anger instead of compassion. This doesn't heal the hurt, it just shut's it up inside of the child.) Now ask them, what did you start believing because of that event? There is your lie. Let them be angry. When they are finished being angry, then explain it from an adult point of view.
5 small things to do every morning
for a more mindful day
Do you feel as if you walk around life on autopilot, going through the motions but never really seeing, hearing, embracing, enjoying, or experiencing life?
Do you ever truly hear what others are saying to you or are you busy multitasking and carrying out your own conversations in your mind while they speak to you?
Are you taking in every moment and living a life of presence?
If you would like to have a more mindful existence and a richer life experience, the following 5 suggestions can point the way.
1. Be here now. For 10 minutes each morning, do everything with great focus and purpose. Meaning, if you are brushing your teeth, look at the toothbrush. Really look at it. Now watch yourself putting the toothpaste on your brush. Notice every detail. Think about how you are brushing your teeth. You are training your mind to put the focus on your outside world, instead of living inside of the mind thinking of the past or future and missing what you are experiencing right now.
2. Stop talking. For 10 minutes each morning, go on silent retreat. This will be easy for some and quiet difficult for others. Notice when you want to speak and what your mind wants you to say. Notice how you want to respond immediately to questions and rarely allow for space.
3. Mindfully chose your words. Practice pausing for a couple of seconds before speaking, making comments or answering or asking questions. Feel yourself want to say something, pause, think about what you want to say, then mindfully chose your words. Many of us fear pauses in conversation because we are afraid that during that silent space, others will become uncomfortable or judge us.
4. Listen for silence. Placing your mental focus on silence, or the empty space around things, will pull you into the present moment. It will take alert, attentive focus to come away from mental chatter to listen for silence. Listen to the space between the words you hear spoken. You can spend the first 5 minutes of each morning doing this practice or whenever you would like to bring yourself back into mindfulness.
5. Pretend you are being watched by reality tv. To bring your mind’s awareness on what is happening right now, allow your mind to give a play by play of every action. Allow your mind to watch your every action, and talk about it as if it were describing a scene of a movie or writing a book. For example, “she is now sitting at a computer in her bedroom typing. She is writing an article to help others practice mindfulness. She has her feet under the covers slightly.”
It’s funny, I didn’t even realize how I was sitting until I just practiced mindfulness.
Give it a try. You will be amazed at how much more of life you take in when you direct your minds focus on to everything that you experience, moment to moment.
Angie Johnsey is a speaker, author and world-renowned Mind expert. A hypnotherapist and psychiatric nurse by trade, Angie assists clients all over the world to become aware of their mental and emotional patterns, bring clarity and peace to lives that were once full of stress and suffering, and choose the feelings they would like to have to transform their lives.